


Stand On The Edge

by QueenOfNewOrleans22



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Fluff, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfNewOrleans22/pseuds/QueenOfNewOrleans22
Summary: Somewhere within the apartment, a 'phone was ringing.
Relationships: Mick Mars/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Stand On The Edge

Somewhere within the apartment, a 'phone was ringing. 

Nikki lifted his head from the floor, blinking, trying to see through the thin haze that covered his eyes. "Wha-?" Nikki broke off into a hoarse cough, somehow managing to get his legs underneath him despite how his head seemed to be going in circles, making him dizzy. It was dark, and hard to see when there wasn't a single light to be found. 

But like a person, desperate to escape, Nikki stumbled across the floor. He was sweating, which made dark strands of hair cling to his face. The ringing was giving him a terrible headache. Nikki's shaking fingers enclosed over the phone cradle, and he tossed it toward a wall, tearing it away from the socket. It crashed into the wall and broke, falling to the wood and making the walls shake. The ringing stopped, and the apartment was plunged into silence. 

A shiver ran down Nikki's spine, and he wrapped his arms his body, licking his dry lips and trying to make sense of his thoughts. He was thirsty - he needed a drink. 

But the kitchen was so, so far away, and Nikki fell back onto the carpet. A needle was knocked aside, and it skidded across the wood, hitting a wall with an almost inaudible noise. Nikki grasped weakly for it, but it made him lose balance and fall onto his back. 

Nikki stared up at the ceiling. 

Shapes danced, and colors twisted, contorting it like one of those mirrors at the carnival. Nikki had never been to a carnival before - or had he? His mother surely hadn't taken him to one.

Tommy might've, though. 

Reaching out like a blind man, Nikki's fingers enclosed over the head of a whiskey bottle. He raised it above his head and squinted, but there was no familiar amber liquid in there. Instead, there were spiders in there with long legs and shining red eyes, and Nikki tossed the bottle with a sharp gasp. The bottle crashed onto the floor, and shards of glass glittered on the floor, but there weren't any spiders. 

' _You're a mess. Hallucinations are a due sign of insanity, isn't it?'_

Nikki could feel himself coming down, but it was too fast, and it made his head spin and the world became very hazy. He couldn't breathe very well - it felt like there was something crushing his chest. Grasping at his jacket, Nikki felt for something, _anything,_ but nothing was there.

Now somebody was knocking on the door, and it was too loud, too grating. Nikki flinched, but then the fright faded into anger, because why couldn't anybody just leave him alone? He hurt, so he hurt so bad, but with that came a desperate need to be alone because nobody could see him fall apart. "Go away!" Nikki tried to yell out, except his tongue was thick and heavy, and his voice was a mere rasp that barely could be heard from a few inches away, much less a thick wall and a few feet. 

"I'm not leaving." A voice said, and it was distorted, cracked, like that of an old time movie monster. 

Nikki's blood ran dry, and he shoved himself backward, his heart racing. "No, no, it's not real." He whispered, and his back hit the wall. 

"You need help." The voice said. "I can help you with that." 

Fear lurched in Nikki's chest. "Go away. Go away." He tried to cover his ears, but the whispers seeped through and infected his brain - ( _YOU NEED HELP I'M NOT LEAVING) -_ and Nikki forced himself onto his feet. He ran across the living room and wrenched open the window, knowing that he couldn't he caught. The voice knocked on the door again, just as Nikki slipped through the window and landed on the fire escape. 

It was cold - almost overwhelmingly so. Nikki was shirtless, and it made goosebumps prickle on his pale skin. The bars on the escape made his bare feet ache, and would leave marks. But Nikki hurried down the stairs, knowing that the voice would only be a few steps behind him, but always ahead. 

That's how things always were. 

Nikki stumbled down the steps, his hands dragging on the railing, breathe catching in his lungs. He needed to get away. The concrete was harsh underneath his feet, and a cold desperation clung to Nikki like a heavy blanket that threatened to suffocate him. 

He ran out into the streets. 

A taxi came to a sudden stop, a loud honk echoing out into the streets. The driver hung out from his window, and shook his fist into the night air. "Watch where you're going, ya' idiot!" He yelled. 

Nikki turned around, but instead of a man, he saw a monster, with eyes like flames in the darkness. With nothing to say, Nikki scrambled onto the safety of the sidewalk, and ran into an alleyway. An older man was crouched, heating his hands above a small fire, but he didn't even glance up as Nikki ran past him. 

There was no real need for Nikki's mind to communicate with his body about where to go. In some innate way, Nikki already knew where he was going to go. 

He needed to go to the one place that always put things into clarity and perspective. 

It wasn't that far away - perhaps just a few miles, twists and turns that seemed almost natural.

Fear and the aftereffects of the drugs made shadows jump out from the darkness, and whispers echo from storm grates. A cat jumped from from a pile of boxes, and Nikki skid to a stop, his eyes wide as he looked at the ratty-looking thing that looked up at him with bright blue eyes. Nikki ran past it, through another street, this time of which was empty. 

There was screaming, coming from a storm grate. 

A long, slender finger snaked out from the opening, and slowly beckoned for Nikki to come and join it. " _Cooo-mmmeee here, Frankie."_ It said, and then, slowly, it slipped out from the gate, and it had his mother's face, and it was contorted in a terrible smile. 

Nikki's breathe caught in his throat, and he couldn't so much as make a whisper as the screams became much louder. They sounded like his grandparents. And then another voice joined in - Lisa? Nikki couldn't tell. His father added in with his own symphonic screaming. And there was Vince, too, and Tommy - and _Mick._

" _Help us!"_ Tommy screamed. " _Help, Nikki!"_

But it wasn't real. 

Right? 

Falling to his knees, Nikki peered into the storm grate. He could see nothing but eternal darkness, and the full moon, reflected in the dirty water. There was nobody, nor nothing, there, and yet. 

Nikki pushed himself back into a sitting position, wondering if he was finally losing his damn mind. The drugs were getting to him, wasn't it? The good old stuff that'd given him a chance to breathe and forget in the first place was now tearing him apart. 

It was tearing his mind apart. 

Piece by piece. 

"Fuck." Nikki said tearfully, raising his hands into fists and slamming them down onto the concrete below, sending sharp bolts of pain throughout his arms. "Fuck!"

He stood back up, and began to walk again. 

Shivers began to stack Nikki's body, goosebumps trailing down his bare arms. A small part of Nikki felt the aftereffects of his poor decisions, but he was still too amped up for any real consequences. Far from it, Nikki ducked into another alleyway. 

The rest of the walk was achingly normal - so normal, in fact, that Nikki was whirling around every five seconds to make sure that nobody was following him. 

But the late night was too daunting for even the most avid walkers. 

"Smoke, man?" A grizzled vagrant held out a cigarette. "You got a light?"

Nikki shyed away. "No." He mumbled. 

The vagrant frowned. "Light? You got light?" He repeated. 

" _No."_ Nikki clenched his jaw as another shiver ran up his spine. He wrapped his arms around his chest, head tilted down until his hair fully obscured his face. 

Maybe the vagrant didn't hear the refusal. Maybe he ignored it. 

Either way, as Nikki went to walk away, the man leaned foward and grabbed Nikki by his arm, effectively pinning him in place. " _DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?"_ The man snarled. 

Nikki panicked, doing what felt right in those diminutive seconds, and lashing out with his free arm. An empty _crack_ echoed through the silence. The man yelled out, abandoning his attempt at finding a lighter in favor of holding at his face. A moment later, blood dripped onto the dirty ground. Nikki knew that it was only a one-off chance, and so he took off. 

And he didn't stop. 

Hours might've passed - or perhaps just meagre seconds. Nikki had no way of knowing, but he ran, ran, and ran, until his feet bled and his lungs burned with the lack of air making its way into them. Nikki ran despite the storm clouds that gathered overhead, and Nikki ran even as rain poured down from above, unrelenting and cold, so cold. 

The vagrant might've followed him, who knew, but Nikki ran fast enough that nobody would have the stamina, nor the will, to follow him. The drugs were giving him the desperation to keep going, despite the pain. Nikki knew that he must've looked pathetic, but he didn't care - he needed to _feel._

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Nikki made it to his destination. 

There were no cars, no people, no nobody. Just Nikki, and the demons and the hallucinations. There was a needle in his pocket - Nikki could feel it, now. He tapped the glass lightly with his finger, and then he grabbed the railing, and pulled himself up.

His arms shook with the effort. 

It was slippery up there. 

Nikki had a hard time keeping his balance as he stood there, even with the railing clutched between his shaking fingers. The rain was making everything slick with water, and Nikki nearly slipped - _nearly._ He wanted to fall, but not yet. For that moment, the demons seemed content with letting Nikki lean toward. 

The wind jabbed cold needles into Nikki's skin, and swept up his hair, making it fly into his face. He shivered weakly, gritting his teeth together to prevent them from chattering. 

' _If I just leaned foward...I would fall. The water would sweep me up, and I will drown, or maybe the fall will kill me first. There's rocks down there - maybe I'll crack my skull open, knock myself unconscious, or maybe just break my back; paralyze myself. What a way to go.'_

Nikki's fingers began to ache with the effort of pulling his weight back. 

"Hey." A voice suddenly said, barely audible as the rain thundered on around them. Nikki flinched, and he opened his eyes, which he hadn't even been aware of closing, tilting his head so that he could look over his shoulder. 

Mick was standing there, holding his coat awkwardly above his head so that he didn't get wet. He was squinting, and though most of his face was taken up with careful neutrality, there was also concern, worry, fear. "That's a long drop." Mick commented, looking deceptively casual. 

Unsure of how to answer, or maybe just unwilling to, Nikki looked back down toward the water. The drop didn't scare him. Neither did the pain that would come if the death wasn't immediate. Nikki felt numb, and it wouldn't be the first time, but hopefully it would be the last. 

"You're not a strong swimmer." Mick continued, his voice rising so that he could be heard. "You can't fight your way out of that one." 

Nikki nodded jerkily. ' _I know.'_

Words that couldn't be said, screams that couldn't be continued. Silent pleas, torn into whimpers. 

Lightning crackled above. 

"The only semi-painless way of going is if you knock your head on the way down and fall unconscious. You'll feel a little pain, but then, there'll be nothing." Mick carefully peered over the railing. "Of course, that's only a small chance. You could break your back, and not even be able to fight as the water takes you under. You would probably break _something."_ Mick shrugged. "Anyways, that's gonna be painful." 

"Any way of dying is painful." Nikki said, voice hoarse, and barely audible. 

Mick made a face. "Not unless you go in your sleep, just like that. If you get off the drugs, stop smoking, stop drinking so bad - that's probably where you'll end up." He raised his coat higher as the rain increased in intensity. 

"But I can't. You know that." Nikki was shivering, and he couldn't force himself to stop. 

"That's what you say." Mick seemed to debate something for a minute, and then, with a weary, irritated sigh, he lowered the coat, and within a split second, he was drenched. He seemed to small, so exhausted - Nikki wanted to yell at him, and tell him to go back home. 

Mick grabbed the railing and awkwardly heaved himself up, unable to grasp it properly, and so he just ended up holding onto it by wrapping his arms around the column, like a man left at sea, clutching at a piece of wood. He looked terrified, but he didn't step back down. Rather, the fear acted as a part of Mick's determination, and he straightened himself as well as his back would allow. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" Nikki felt like his heart had leaped into his throat, suddenly terrified, no longer numb. "Get back down." He reached over, hoping to push Mick back, but there was too much distance between them. 

"You die, I die." Mick shrugged. "Easy as that. You're letting go? I let go, too." 

Nikki could feel himself coming down - his anxiety was going through the roof at that moment. "No. No, Mick, you can't - down, _get down."_ He nearly slid off of the precarious perch by extending his body too much, and Nikki yelped, grasping for stability. 

For that moment of near death, Mick's eyes widened, and he opened his mouth, almost as if to yell, reaching out uselessly, but then Nikki managed to regain his balance. Mick stood there, frozen, for a moment, and their eyes locked, terror and confusion, fear and calm. 

When he slipped, Nikki felt like, in just a few seconds, his life had flashed before his very eyes, just like all of the books said. He could feel the sharp lashings of his stepfather's belt, and he could hear the harsh words of his mother. Nikki could hear his grandmother as she talked about her childhood, and his grandfather as he laughed along. Nikki could see Tommy's smile, and hear Vince's voice, and - and - 

_Mick. Standing there. Grumpy son of a bitch. He was touching Nikki, reaching out, gentle, soft, searching for something - what? He wants him, but won't ever say it, because that would be too risky and Nikki was like a spooked cat and Mick looked like he wanted it and Nikki wanted it too so he leaned toward and they kissed and, damn, that feels good. No, it wasn't the kiss - it was Mick that felt good. And Nikki felt himself smile and Mick smiled back and they were so close to a confession, a burlesque reveal. But for that, thIll settle for a quick touch, gentle, yet wanting._

The water looked terrifying. 

Nikki knew that he couldn't fight his way out. 

He didn't want to die. 

And Mick sensed that. 

"Okay. I'm going to get down and you - you get down too, okay?" Mick was shivering, too, and they were like two peas in a pod. 

Nikki nodded, inching away from the edge, and back towards safety. Well, as safe as anything could be. He slowly got back down onto the concrete, squeezing his eyes shut in sudden fear as he was suddenly weightless, but then there was concrete beneath him, firm and stable. 

And Mick was down, too. 

Somehow, that was the best thing that Nikki had ever seen. 

Mick couldn't be in danger, _never._

The rain was starting to calm down, slow but sure. 

"Don't do that again. Don't you dare, you little fuckhead." Mick was walking considerably fast, considering his condition. He grabbed his coat from the ground, and he walked over, grabbing Nikki by his arm. "If you do, then I'll bring you back to life and kill you." 

Nikki laughed, and it scared him, how easily it came. "How will you do that?" He asked. 

Mick paused briefly, almost as if to think about it, but then he was back, wrapping the coat around Nikki's body, like a fretful mother. "Hopefully, I'll never have to figure that out." He reached up, placed his hand on the side of Nikki's face, and dragged his thumb across Nikki's cheek, almost sadly. "But let's go home for now, okay?" 

"Okay." 


End file.
